It Won’t Work

When I’m in Psychosis, Social Errors Prevail

Nov 30, 2024

Cross-post from Mat’s Blog on Schizoaffective Disorder

Wanted to share an article from Mat's blog He's been gracious enough to help the community by sharing his personal experiences. So much of what happens to those with Schizoaffective though is internal, has external manifestations that don't equate to what is going on around them. It just doesn't relate the inside picture and the outside real life. It's something that is more reflex & not controllable. This is why it is so important the ol adage "don't judge a book by its cover" We just don't know what someone else story is telling them internally by the expressions on their face. -

LaLa ✿Indie Maker✿

man in black and gray plaid dress shirt sitting on chair — Photo by Nemesia Production on Unsplash

When I’m in psychosis from my schizoaffective disorder, I often will say and do things that run very counter to getting well.

I speak primarily of my interactions with the people providing me with care. There have been times when I’m in psychosis that I am too paranoid to speak to anyone. Imagine treating someone with that kind of behavior.

I have carried the diagnosis of schizophrenia, later schizoaffective disorder for the past 15 years. I am largely well now, but it is only through medication. I am grateful for my medications.

I want to discuss today the psychosocial factors of my illness.

I was fortunate in the long process of being diagnosed with the disease that there were times when I trusted and I shared what was going on in my head.

For instance, the first hospitalization for this illness happened after I went to the ER and just sobbed. I shared a little of what was going on in my head.

I have also had the misfortune of following my schizophrenic instincts (sometimes voices) and have offended my caregivers. I realize my caregivers are professionals and they have seen this kind of behavior before. It is however asking a lot for them to be mocked.

The situation I think of is when my outpatient therapist was helping me with some very simple, daily chore items. I had said that my apartment was a mess. She is a solution oriented person. She also has some mastery of this particular problem.

What she did was to recommend that I flip on some lights, turn up the music and just get started with something small. This is a great recommendation that fits well. I could easily run with what she was saying - 100%.

This is the part of the conversation that plagues me. I have on occasion had the tendency for inappropriate smiling. I don’t know how to quite explain this. There are times my mind is just completely in another world and I will smile and smirk at the wrong times.

I think my therapist thought I was mocking her and her suggestion.

She was just doing her best to help me.

In retrospect, I feel terrible. I feel like such a screw off.

There are few caregivers that even in spite of their training can handle the feeling of being mocked. We moved on and she remained professional, but mockery tends to stick. I have always felt bad about that encounter.

There have also been times with my hospitalizations that I have completely clammed up. I won’t say a word about what’s going on in my ill brain. This is a side effect of my paranoia. I do have some of the paranoid features with my schizophrenia.

Fortunately, unlike the mockery situation, I think the caregivers better understand this. I can’t help but think that refusing to cooperate with some of the staff because of paranoia stymies my care.

I think it’s important to realize that there are psychosocial aspects to schizophrenia. Not all the pieces will fall into place when I am ill.

Despite all of the above, I have received help. I am doing well now.

There is a system in place that can help people like me.