Clarity Broke Through

Moments! - Moments That Pierce Through the Psychosis

If I have one goal, it is to help others who suffer from my disease.

I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia—later, schizoaffective disorder—for about 20 years.

All too often, if you have a loved one who suffers from a serious mental illness, getting them to recognize that they are ill is a huge challenge. They may need to admit to themselves, and to you, that they are in need of medication.

I want to talk about the moments when I was ill—moments when sanity broke through and I suddenly wanted something different for myself.

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I never rested when I was ill. It may be the bipolar side of schizoaffective disorder, but I was always very active. I suppose you could say I was manic. I would spend hours just driving around, listening to music and the prompts of the voices in my head.

I’ll never forget a cold January night when I saw the golden glow of a warm lamp in a window. When I was growing up, my mom had warm lamps lit in the evening. She would shut off the harsh overhead lights and let the rooms fill with that soft, amber glow.

That moment broke through. I wanted a different light for myself. I wanted to be well.

Then there was the moment in northern Arizona. I was on one of my manic road trips, just driving and driving.

I had been awake for an untold number of hours, but suddenly, a radio program broke through the darkness of night. It was the voice of a talk show host I had avidly listened to back when I was healthy.

In that moment, I wanted to be well again. I wanted a well-ordered life where I could dial into my favorite show and just listen.

I longed for a chance to just listen and ignore the manic unrest—a chance to be calm and know that life was okay. I needed a moment away from the car seat and the frantic, aimless driving.

The radio program broke through, and I wanted a different life.

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There may be a neurological reason for this, but I found that when I finally sobbed, I felt better.

At the time, I was in the psych ward. I wasn’t well, and I was being a difficult patient. I become incredibly paranoid and delusional when I am ill. Even though I know the staff understands it’s the illness talking, I still feel bad for how I behaved.

I had a special visitor that afternoon. For whatever reason, something he did triggered an emotional release, and I just wept. I sobbed for probably a full minute.

After that happened, I had total clarity for about half an hour. I wasn’t paranoid. I wasn’t delusional. I just wanted a better life for myself.

The moment broke through.

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Finding the Breakthrough

I don’t know if these stories provide a roadmap for how to “break through” to your own sick loved one. Or perhaps you are reading this for the sake of your own mental health.

My point is: we often don’t know what will trigger that moment of clarity. We don’t always know which moments will matter, but doing our best to create those moments is vital.

• Be present with your loved one.

• Keep showing up - Something will break through.

• Strive - Strive for a better life for yourself or a loved one.

There may be a seed in one of those moments. One of those moments could break through the denial of illness. One of those moments might help someone finally step onto the road toward better health.

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As an extra note, I have documented my life with schizo-spectrum disorders in my memoir - “Torn Bindings” by Mathew Poehler - found on Amazon here - I would love to have a positive review.