Freedom… Because of My Choices

I Have Freedom in my Life Because I do the Right Things

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

I made a realization while ruminating in my apartment after having spent time in jail. It occurred to me that I only have freedom because I make the right decisions in relation to my illness.

I had just come from jail.

I have schizoaffective disorder. Initially, it was diagnosed as schizophrenia in the late 2000s, but was later modified after a serious relapse of symptoms. I simply didn’t have enough medicine in my system.

There may be some debate about the freedom of someone with mental illness. I will admit that in a state of psychosis, I really don’t think I fully have the freedom to make right decisions.

How many times while in psychosis have I told myself “just be normal”. I have the benefit of having lived fairly neurotypical before the onset of my schizophrenia. Some may be critical of the term normal, but I know what it means.

Being normal means having a mind that is at rest and not harassed by hearing a voice or voices. Being normal means that I can carry about my activities such as reading and watching TV without intense emotional experiences. “Just be normal”… I know what it means.

Without my medications though, I’m completely incapable of it. When I’m ill, I will incessantly ruminate on religious ideas or even as simple as thinking I’m being followed. There are many more symptoms, too.

The point of the writing today is to talk about the fact that I have freedom because I make the right decisions.

Taking medication is the right decision.

Many years ago, when first on medications, I consciously stopped taking medication because I really thought I was well. In general, that is probably one of the biggest reasons for medication non-compliance, thinking you are well.

For me, good decisions start small. Taking my medication is a small step.

I don’t know why, but since I have accepted my diagnosis, I have always been good at taking my medication.

My relapse of symptoms in 2019 occurred because my doctor and I had consciously decided to reduce my medications. That started in 2017. To think, it was fully two years later when I was so ill that I was in psychosis from that reduction in 2017.

The right decision for me is to consciously ignore schizophrenic impulses. Maybe that means I don’t stay up all night. Maybe it means I don’t compulsively eat junk food.

Maybe it means… I just might not be able at this point to share all my schizophrenic impulses. There are really so many facets of being ill for me.

I know it is a slippery slope for me when I am getting ill. In my 2019 relapse, I slipped very gently into the point where I was in psychosis.

Some may say that you don’t slip into illness. For me, I suspect that the longer I was on reduced medication, the sicker I became.

I am much wiser today. I have ample experiences in which I can study how I got ill, because I also became ill again in 2021. Again, I was fully on my medication.

This is a real rabbit hole for me. How did I fall into illness again with the knowledge that I have my freedom i.e. living outside an institution, because I make good choices.

Maybe the takeaway is to quit relying on self and put my burdens on my care team. My doctor is here to help.

That is a “right decision”. A small one, but the right one.