I Don’t Feel Right Today

Often Dealing with my Schizo-Spectrum Disorder Means Ups and Downs

Photo by Jiri Brtnik on Unsplash

I don’t feel right today.

I’ve been diagnosed with schizo-spectrum disorder since the late 2000s.

Will writing help me work through it?

I took off today and was going to go hiking a couple hours from my home. I couldn’t make myself because I know I’m on a budget.

When I got home, I said, just rest, take it easy. I did that, but couldn’t sleep.

Then I read.

The reading went fine, but I still don’t feel right. I don’t know how to explain it.

I had some objectives for the day. I wanted to do some writing today… Nothing I write seems good or interesting. This doesn’t seem particularly poignant either.

Why am I writing?

I just want to pass the moment and get through this.

I should… I should… I should… I say that over and over. I “should” myself too much! In reality, I should stick to my routine. As I said though, I don’t feel right. By this time of day, I should be at the gym and exercising.

Instead, I went to Casey’s and got pizza. That’s another thing. None of the food in my apartment seems right. I don’t want any of it. I want to binge on a big pizza.

I treat my “bad feelings” with carbohydrates.

Baby steps.

Instead of a full pizza, I bought the single slices. Maybe my day isn’t a complete catastrophe.

I hit the highway when I’m ill. I started doing that today by taking off for the two hour journey to the hike.

When I’m ill, I usually don’t have a particular destination. Usually my intended destinations are 5 or 6 hours distant. I’ve been known to take off without any planning with the goal being 24 hours away.

This too shall pass (including mania and driving to the coast).

I just gotta ride it out. Ride it out and make the minimum of bad choices. Maybe it’ll flip and I’ll get to the gym before the day is out.

What does it mean to not feel right?

In some respects, for some reason, I feel like I’m jonesing for a cigarette. I haven’t had a cigarette in 5 years.

Why don’t I just settle in and turn on the TV? Try zoning out. Put a DVD in for “Big Bang Theory”.

That would be in keeping with the minimal amount of damage while I go through this “off” period.

I really only need to keep myself out of trouble until around 8 or 9 PM when I can take my nightly medicine. Those meds knock me out.

The day started well enough.

The cat got me up early. I ran an errand about 9 this morning. I got some things done that were on my “To Do” list.

Just buck up…

Put on your gym shorts and go to the gym. You don’t have to lift weights, it’s sufficient just to do intervals on the treadmill.

This is what success looks like… mitigate damage when you’re not well.

Success is built on a series of small, right decisions. For someone with schizoaffective disorder, the same applies. I need to practice mitigation when I’m not fully “together”.

What would “complete catastrophe” look like?

I suppose a case of beer, the highway, and ending up with a DUI in a distant city is “complete catastrophe”.

What does effective management look like?

It’s journaling about my feelings. It’s talking to supporters. It’s about making marginally better decisions though perhaps not the best.