It Won’t Work
When I’m in Psychosis, Social Errors Prevail
When I’m in psychosis from my schizoaffective disorder, I often will say and do things that run very counter to getting well.
I speak primarily of my interactions with the people providing me with care. There have been times when I’m in psychosis that I am too paranoid to speak to anyone. Imagine treating someone with that kind of behavior.
I have carried the diagnosis of schizophrenia, later schizoaffective disorder for the past 15 years. I am largely well now, but it is only through medication. I am grateful for my medications.
I want to discuss today the psychosocial factors of my illness.
I was fortunate in the long process of being diagnosed with the disease that there were times when I trusted and I shared what was going on in my head.
For instance, the first hospitalization for this illness happened after I went to the ER and just sobbed. I shared a little of what was going on in my head.
I have also had the misfortune of following my schizophrenic instincts (sometimes voices) and have offended my caregivers. I realize my caregivers are professionals and they have seen this kind of behavior before. It is however asking a lot for them to be mocked.
The situation I think of is when my outpatient therapist was helping me with some very simple, daily chore items. I had said that my apartment was a mess. She is a solution oriented person. She also has some mastery of this particular problem.
What she did was to recommend that I flip on some lights, turn up the music and just get started with something small. This is a great recommendation that fits well. I could easily run with what she was saying - 100%.
This is the part of the conversation that plagues me. I have on occasion had the tendency for inappropriate smiling. I don’t know how to quite explain this. There are times my mind is just completely in another world and I will smile and smirk at the wrong times.
I think my therapist thought I was mocking her and her suggestion.
She was just doing her best to help me.
In retrospect, I feel terrible. I feel like such a screw off.
There are few caregivers that even in spite of their training can handle the feeling of being mocked. We moved on and she remained professional, but mockery tends to stick. I have always felt bad about that encounter.
There have also been times with my hospitalizations that I have completely clammed up. I won’t say a word about what’s going on in my ill brain. This is a side effect of my paranoia. I do have some of the paranoid features with my schizophrenia.
Fortunately, unlike the mockery situation, I think the caregivers better understand this. I can’t help but think that refusing to cooperate with some of the staff because of paranoia stymies my care.
I think it’s important to realize that there are psychosocial aspects to schizophrenia. Not all the pieces will fall into place when I am ill.
Despite all of the above, I have received help. I am doing well now.
There is a system in place that can help people like me.
Mat, I appreciate greatly you sharing these personal experiences. I feel like its going to help so many. I've had quite a few people take interest in Shade's blog documenting her journey. People reach out all the time in private. It's the type of health concern that still just isn't out in the open. But we can help make it an open conversation. It's the best way to help right now and the next generation with SchED will have better tools to be able to get this diagnosis not become a life sentence. So Thank you so much. There are many who cannot say thank you so I will say it for them. Thank you so much!
Shade calls this a grimace, it is an expression that is involuntary, it often starts out looking like a smile. Yet it develops into something a bit sinister in appearance. Again it is involuntary.
Having control over your outputs is a bit different than doing things out of reflex. I think you can forgive yourself. Surely the caregiver has moved on.