Perpetually on the Outside

The Keys to Belonging are as Nebulous as the Formula of Social Cues

I will admit, I feel as though I’ve always been a bit on the outside. I’ve never felt like I have quite belonged. Perpetually on the outside.

I will admit many of these feelings have become more exaggerated over the years as both my illness has progressed and I have become more reclusive.

I have carried a diagnosis of some sort of mental health condition for most of my adult life. I successfully went on medications for schizophrenia later schizoaffective disorder in the late 2000s.

Having a serious mental health diagnosis does set me apart and puts me into a bit of a different box.

Also, it would be stating the obvious to say that some of my life decisions have put me on the outside. I’ve never married; that’s somewhat unusual. I no longer drink alcohol; that’s somewhat unusual. I have been in quite a few different career fields; I suppose most people stick it out in one job.

So… There are reasons I am on the outside.

I recall sitting in Chicago’s Union Station and the guy sitting next to me tried to strike up a conversation with some Amish that were sitting nearby.

If I had to guess, I would say the guy was homeless or some level of being transient. That’s strike one when you’re in the business of striking up conversation.

The man was also trying to strike up conversation with people who live separated. The Amish live very differently than most Americans. That’s strike two.

The exchange also took place between the man who was older and the group of Amish who were younger, that’s strike three and I saw for myself what it’s like to be on the outside.

The transient, I would imagine, feels very much on the outside when attempting his efforts at conversation. He struck out and very much hit a dead end.

I have been in the same boat, so I sort of empathized with the transient.

For the reasons I have listed, I am a bit of an outsider myself. I am forever looking into the window of community, while I exist on the outside.

I’m not exactly sure, in our modern society how many people are looking to strike up relationships with anyone.

I really think that loneliness is an epidemic and few people are doing things to rectify it, but that is an aside.

For me, with my illness of schizophrenia, there are facets of conversation and social cues that are completely lost on me. Another writer on Substack has mentioned that some people with my illness feel forever picked on. A bit of the paranoia aspect of the disease.

I won’t deny, I have the paranoia piece. Maybe my observations about being on the outside is a facet of being paranoid.

How can I feel like I belong?

I suspect I need to relax. I need to take my medications. The community I do have I need to enjoy and appreciate.

A clenched hand cannot receive anything. I need to open my hand(s) to the world and receive what it does give me. I need to live with a sense of the bounty that community does really exist.