Schizoaffective includes Bipolar
I Must Not Forget My Illness Includes the Highs and Lows of Bipolar
I’ve often thought that my illness is more on the side of classic schizophrenia and less on the side of bipolar.
I have been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder since 2020. I have carried the diagnosis of undifferentiated schizophrenia since 2010.
Like so many with my disease, I was diagnosed with mental illness well before I had awareness. I have written elsewhere about anosognosia.
As I have learned in AA, sometimes it is most important to identify and think about how you relate. Think less about how you don’t fit.
I suppose it is classic bipolar to go without sleep for days at a time. I have done that.
I suppose it is classic bipolar to spend wantonly. I have done that.
I suppose it is classic bipolar to deal with stretches of depression. I have done that.
I could write about the above and explain to you why this isn’t truly bipolar. For instance, isn’t it just depression when you have suicidal ideation and low thinking?
Diagnosis in mental health gets messy at times. I don’t mean to be harsh to the professionals, but there have been claims made that people get misdiagnosed.
I must stress; I’m not a professional. Professionals have training in diagnosis and they may be more on target than I realize.
Why is it important that I know I have both schizophrenia and bipolar disorder? Why is it important that I understand my diagnosis is schizoaffective?
I think it is important because when I experience all aspects of symptoms, I need to report them.
If I’m going through a bit of a manic phase, it’s important for me to tell myself, “You’re not just feeling good, you’re going to a phase of your illness”.
The same applies with a depressive episode. In this case, I often need to tell myself, “These depressive thoughts and suicidal ideation is as aspect of your illness. It’s not a reality.”
All too often when I go through a phase of my illness, my own self talk and language is that I’m just being me, there’s nothing more to it. It’s just me.
Maybe I’m talking a lot. Maybe I just don’t want to go to sleep. Maybe I want the night to never end.
I am just me, but…
I have an illness. These aspects of me can be treated with medication.
I am reading a book about a doctor who has bipolar disorder. She struggled with anosognosia or not admitting that she was ill and requiring medication.
It’s hard to get the gist of the book and perhaps, maybe I am reading too much into it, but I think she struggled with the same thinking that I did. “I’m just being me.”
I recall times where I’ve gotten all excited about starting a small business and will spend hours at the computer completely in the zone. I’ll admit, this example is somewhat subtle because I have been medicated for so long, but it holds valid, I get excited about things.
How is that wrong?
So what… I get excited about things.
I guess where it is wrong is when I get excited and drive for 24 hours straight.
Normal is a hard word to throw around, but it does not fit the normal distribution curve to get amped and take off down the road for 24 hours.
I’m just being me, but I need to remember part of me is having to deal with mental illness.