Some Journey’s Choose Us

The Choice Was Mine - Get Mental Health Care or Not

Photo by Miguel Bruna on Unsplash

I have heard the expression that, “some journey’s we choose and some choose us.”

C.S. Lewis has his own spin on it where he says, “Some journeys take us far from home. Some adventures lead us to our destiny.”

I suppose they’re completely different.

What strikes me about the “journey’s we choose”, was that sunny December day when I was outside the psychiatric hospital.

I had been telling people all throughout the season of fall that I wasn’t well because of my schizophrenia. I had fully disclosed to anyone that mattered that I had schizophrenia.

I even told the police! Yes, I intersected with the police several times that fall.

Yet, in respect to the journey we choose, I was completely unwilling to be admitted to that hospital.

Schizoaffective disorder chose me and I chose to not be treated.

I am saddened. Why did I not allow myself to be admitted to that hospital? It would have changed the course of events in my life.

I never would have done the thing that ended in me being held in jail.

Why?

I knew I was ill. I told everyone that I had schizophrenia. Why didn’t I allow myself to be admitted. I long and yearn to know the reason.

By way of disclosure, I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia later schizoaffective disorder since the late 2000s.

I suppose in its greatest extent, my unwillingness to be admitted was a function of my paranoia. I didn’t trust the people at the hospital.

When I told and shared with people that I was a schizophrenic, they were people that I trusted. The woman at the admissions to the hospital wasn’t someone I trusted. I can vaguely piece together the reason.

It may have had something to do with the fact she looked like an old boss I didn’t like.

I can’t be trusted to make good decisions when I am ill. The paranoia steers me. It is too powerful of a force for me in my decision making.

Today, I don’t feel paranoia, but I have been fully medicated for nearly 3 years now. The medications are right. They are doing their job. I am nearly 100%.

If there is a takeaway. Perhaps, I had to go through what I went through to arrive at the destination I am at today.

My cousin told me you can’t keep looking back and saying “what if”.

The reality is that I have stumbled along with my disease. Some decisions have been good, some have been poor.

All in all, life goes on. “Some adventures lead us toward our destiny.” Maybe it was my destiny to end up in county jail.

Some things I do realize. I never would have written a memoir about my life with schizoaffective disorder had I not been locked up (“Torn Bindings” - on Amazon). I never would have started this blog without that time.

They are small wins. I regret so deeply my criminal actions while ill that led to the jail time.

What can you do? Seriously, what can you do?

Things have happened as they have. One must make lemonade from lemons.

If there is a perspective on life, it is always to look toward the bright side. A life of deep regret is no way to live, yet I feel such sorrow.

I can only make good decisions today. Do the next right thing and go on from there.

As a functional matter, it is important for me to remember that I become harder to treat the more ill I become. It is important that I catch my illness before it becomes too severe. When I am paranoid, nothing makes sense and I only get worse.

That is the lesson today. Report wholly and honestly with my care team about how I am doing.