This is Not Living

The Fruits of Life are Withheld from those with Mental Illness

Photo by Wallace Fonseca on Unsplash

I was a few years into my recovery following the florid psychosis that accompanies my schizoaffective disorder.

What is remarkable is that it took a few years to begin to take those tentative steps toward living life. I’ve heard recovering alcoholics say the same thing. When they recover from alcohol or drug abuse, they finally realize what their addictions stole from them.

It was a celebration of life. It was a small thing.

I simply got my bike down from the garage hanging loops and went on a long bike ride. The bike ride was stretching myself in terms of length. I rode about 35 miles. It was much longer than usual. The long ride terminated on a bike trail in a local city. It is a pretty trail.

I asked myself, why hadn’t I explored this trail years ago. It’s a great experience.

The honest reality is, and I don’t have the exact words, but I guess I didn’t have the energy to do it.

I was stuck on a treadmill of being ill. I don’t celebrate life or even live life when I’m ill.

It’s my belief you must be somewhat healthy to live life fully.

I could be wrong; maybe others with schizoaffective disorder don’t experience this. It could be attributed to my anxiety levels. My anxiety issues may be unique to me.

I simply did not live life when I was ill. I also did not live life when I was in early recovery.

It has been when I’m well that I have lived life and completed bucket list items.

I hiked the Camino de Santiago when I was well. I completed a travel bucket list visiting 48 of the 50 states.

These things couldn’t happen when I was in psychosis.

I am far too disorganized to live life when I’m ill. I can share that I have done some traveling when ill, but my paranoia is such that I don’t stop anywhere. It is all mania and paranoia. This is not a good combination.

I’m saddened that there have been years, nay, nearly a decade where I was not really well.

This is the lost time.

I didn’t get beyond the door of my apartment with the exception of outdoor cigarette breaks.

To a degree and though I am getting better, I still don’t have a lot of people in my life. Part of living life well, includes other people. My anxiety levels don’t really allow for a lot of interaction.

I reflect on the past year and though it has been a successful year, it has been a bit flavorless and I attribute some of that to a lack of people in my life.

Can I learn the lesson of the bike trail?

Can I learn that I need to push myself a little bit and involve more people in my life?

I may not be fully up to that yet, but the reality is, I am well enough to experience other aspects of living. Overcoming anxiety is important, I visited Chicago this fall.

I enjoyed that trip. I want the title of “A Life Well Lived.” I may never be fully able to accept that moniker, but I can at least try.