Transfer of Sanity - Good to Bad

Can I Remember in Psychosis the Good Times?

Photo by Dirk Jutzas on Unsplash

I’ll often think to myself; I will lose so much if I am ill. There must be a way to transfer my rational thoughts from when I’m well to those times when I am ill.

Full disclosure, I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia since the late 2000s. Later, the diagnosis was changed to schizoaffective disorder. Way back, it was just a bipolar diagnosis.

My reality is that schizoaffective disorder is a tricky disease. That presumption is based on my own experiences. I just don’t have the ability to make rational decisions when I am ill.

I have had major periods of psychosis. These periods are from the late 2000s and in 2019. I have had lesser periods of illness as well.

I have lost differing amounts in relation to periods of major psychosis and the lesser periods.

It irritates me that in those lesser periods, I had the knowledge of how I had gotten sick in 2019. For some reason, I was not able to transfer that knowledge into the slips.

There are things that I value today that I would potentially lose if I were to get ill.

Something small is simply losing all my photos and memories on Gmail. If you get locked away for too long, Gmail will deactivate and close the account. I think it is a period of two years.

I have also, while ill, wantonly discarded stuff. It is conceivable that while ill I would delete all my photos and Google Drive contents.

I remember in 2019, while I was ill, in my delusional thinking, I threw so much of my stuff in the dumpster. I won’t go into the delusions, but I threw a lot of stuff out. I remember being up in the middle of the night shredding documents and keepsakes and throwing them into the trash.

I had a candle burning because I needed to keep the night away. The delusions never really make any sense. The delusions, however were my reality.

I had a doctor once say that you can tell when someone is being honest with their delusions, because they start to make sense and sound somewhat plausible to the rational mind. I may be making a massacre out of his quote.

I have so much to lose, if I get ill. We could see my career as an asset that could be lost with psychosis. I have been at the same job for several years. If I get ill, that asset is lost with an untimely and conceivable break in gainful employment.

Again, I have so much to lose… How do I transfer that knowledge of loss to when I am ill?

I have written before about how sometimes a favorite radio program will come on when I am in psychosis and the song will bring me back to the good times of wellness. I am reminded I have the interests of a neurotypical person and life is worth living.

I suppose that is what I need. When I am slipping into illness, I need my care team and family to remind me of the good times. There ARE good times when I am well. What can I do with that knowledge?

I can be more honest with my doctor and therapist and get the help I need. In large part, my illness manifests itself by me not sharing what is going on with those that can help.

If I can be reminded of the good times, I may be able to share and get help before I slip.