Rife with Problems

Can I Have Some Gratitude for the Life I HAVE BEEN Given

The local news recently reported on a coach for the Nebraska Men’s Basketball team who has only one arm. He was born that way, yet he fully participates and is an integral part of the team. It made me wonder: Would I rather have my illness, schizoaffective disorder, or have only one arm?

By way of background, I have been diagnosed with schizo-spectrum disorder since the late 2000s. Initially, my doctor thought it was bipolar disorder, but as I grew older, it morphed. Today, it is considered schizoaffective disorder—the combination of bipolar disorder and schizophrenia.

In 12-Step circles, you often hear: “We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.”

To be honest, I have many regrets. My past is the story of someone with a severe mental illness. That life produces, shall I say, “crazy” results. But today—right now—I feel grateful. I am grateful to be alive, and I am grateful that my illness isn’t something worse.

With schizoaffective disorder comes a host of psychiatric issues, this for me includes depression and passive suicidal ideation. While I can logically say I am glad for the life I live today, those low thoughts are ever-at-bay. Depression is a disease; it is part of the spectrum of symptoms that is my illness. I credit keto for much of my help with depression.

Yet, my writing today is about gratitude.

There is a well-known sentiment I heard Rachel Cruze share: “In a heart filled with gratitude, there is no room for discontent.” I can list people who have it “worse” than I do—people who have gone blind, those who are wheelchair-bound, or the coach with one arm. Looking at them, I realize I don’t have it so bad.

But gratitude is an “inside job.” This means that true thankfulness is an internal, self-generated state of mind. It isn’t dependent on external circumstances, material possessions, or other people.

For those suffering from depressive thoughts—where you just can’t see past everything that is wrong—I encourage the use of a gratitude list. Even when dealing with a chemical imbalance, this is a “God-pleasing” exercise. When I am depressed, I sometimes feel like I’m pushing God’s buttons by regretting the day I was born.

Is the depression my fault?

No, it’s a chemical imbalance. I have an explanation for those low thoughts. A chemical imbalance is no reason not to live like I’m grateful. And living gratefully starts with a list.

It is a powerful exercise. A friend once told me about a gratitude journal, and it’s a wonderful idea. Let’s start mine:

1. I have never been harmed in an auto accident, despite past mania and alcohol abuse.

2. I don’t go without—I can provide for my needs.

3. I have people in my life; I am not completely alone.

4. I have freedom; I am not currently in a hospital or jail.

5. I could and should go on...

There are days when I am overflowing with gratitude and the list never stops. I feel thankful even for the air I breathe. Then, there are the “down” days. On those days, I still have to make the list.

I encourage you, today, to make yours.

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As an extra note, I have documented my life with schizo-spectrum disorders in my memoir - “Torn Bindings” by Mathew Poehler - found on Amazon here - I would love to have a positive review.