The Slow Transit of Life

I’m Successfully Getting Old with my Schizophrenia and Surviving

Photo by McKenna Phillips on Unsplash

It happens to everyone. We start as infants small and vulnerable. Time marches on and that special moment of our inception and birth into the world fades. Yes, we celebrate it annually, but our moment of coming into the sunlight moves on.

Everything moves on. Nothing stays the same.

We could talk about the earth’s climate changing or the development of another ring suburb of a city. We could talk about a tree becoming bigger with a stouter trunk and leaves that are just a little bit higher than last year.

As the Tracy Lawrence song goes, time marches on.

I may struggle more with my progression in this timeline of life. I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia since the late 2000s. Later, the diagnosis was changed to schizoaffective disorder.

It’s true. I may struggle with life a bit more than others. I don’t have a lot of emotional stability. It is getting better as I bud and grow into a life with my medications. I am becoming more stable.

I struggle though. Sometimes I fight depressive symptoms. All I can do is dwell on negative thoughts.

I tell myself when it happens that “this too shall pass” and the honest reality is, it always has. I just don’t completely give up the fight.

There is always hope for the future if I don’t give up the fight.

As I march through time counting the minutes with pairs of shoes, with oil changes to my car, with refills of my medicine, I’m realizing I am growing old. I apologize; I'm stealing a line from “Rent” and the song “Seasons of Love”. How do you measure a year?

I steal the line from this song because it is so true.

I never thought I would get my past behind me. Because of my illness, I have spent time in county jail. I was completely overwhelmed by my worries of how I would carry on with life after that. Fast forward, it’s been 4 ½ years since I have been released and I have persisted.

“This too shall pass.”

I continue to carry on.

I can take hints from my cat. That’s just one more way I’m realizing that time is passing. I celebrated my cat’s 2nd birthday. I’ve had her for two years! In that time, I’ve kept a job, I’ve kept plants watered and alive, and I’ve cared for another creature (my cat).

I feel fear a lot of the time. In AA circles, they say “fear is the opposite of faith.”

I can be honest and say I do feel the bug of doubt. Will good things continue to extend to me?

Time marches on. How many times can I listen to “Pink - Trust Fall” and realize life is one enormous trust fall. I live by my belief that things will work out for me.

It doesn’t matter how tall that tree in front of my apartment building gets, my journey is a journey of trust that I can handle life. Perhaps, just perhaps I can accomplish the trust fall.